That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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