it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Randomize
