I'm gonna have a badass scar
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
