Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
