he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
