You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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