I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
