You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
The struggles of a small town man whore
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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