so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
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