Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
