So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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