a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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