he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
