im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
