Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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