In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
