she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
