My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
