I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And then he peed in my hair
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