Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
