Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
