looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
