You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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