1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
