if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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