Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
you made out with another girl for some wings
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
