Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I didn't notice because vodka
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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