Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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