Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
