I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
