Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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