i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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