three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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