my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
so much tequila, so little girl.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
