Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
