You don't have asthma, your pregnant
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize