Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Two words: nipple clamps
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