you traded sex for a burrito?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
