That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
