I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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