Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
