Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
His nipple licking is glorious
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