My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
