People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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