Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize