Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize