i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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