I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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