Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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