I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
