question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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