Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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