I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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