dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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