Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
