What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
