So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
