Who did Billy Mays play for?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
