if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
