i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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