do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My liver just had a heart attack.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
