How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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